How I Want “The Bachelor” to End

The morning sun lights up the turquoise sea but this season’s bachelor, Garth, looks grim as he strides across the black beach. We’ve followed him across the world, from LA all the way here to Costa Rica where he must now dump one unreasonably hot babe and propose to the other.

Emily is the sassy one. With her long black hair, dusting of freckles, and eerily golden eyes, she looks the part of the sweetheart but her tongue is razor-sharp. We’re happy she made it this far, not only because she is the only one who wouldn’t put up with Garth’s shit, but also because it’s been a relief to have a non-white character in the bachelor franchise. We see her beneath a flower-covered trellis, white dress fluttering in the sea breeze.

Adilyn has even less personality than Garth. This has benefitted her in the show because she has avoided conflict with the other contestants. Her tiny waist, platinum blonde hair, and huge boobs have done the rest of the work for her. She’s wearing a black bikini, standing under another trellis somewhere down the beach.

Garth follows a pathway of rose petals toward his soon-to-be ex. It’s Adilyn.

“Adilyn. We’ve had so many beautiful experiences together and I have developed real feelings for you over the last few months. But this is goodbye for us. I’m sorry.” Tears slide down her cheeks but this show is supposedly about love, not breakups, so we move right along to his scene with Emily.

“Emily. I took this journey to find love, and you are that love. I have fallen harder than I ever could have imagined and I need to be with you for the rest of my life.”

“Garth I – “ Emily hesitates. Garth looks like a puppy as he reaches for her hand. She catches her breath as their fingers intertwine. “I have felt things I never believed possible. I too have fallen completely in love.”

A smile breaks across Garth’s face and he drops to one knee, presenting her with a ring. “Will you be my bride?” She takes the whole box.

“No Garth. I can’t.” He’s shocked but she turns away from him, kicks her heels off and runs down the beach still clutching the jewelry box. She’s approaches a helicopter, its blades whirring. Adilyn is in the helicopter.

Emily screams, “Adilyn! Adilyn!” She sprints, closing the distance between her and the helicopter but it’s already taking off. Emily falls to her knees beneath it, still screaming Adilyn’s name she holds the open ring box above her head. “I love you Adilyn!”

Adilyn sees Emily down on the beach and her hand flies to the window. “Turn around!” She commands the pilot. “I have to go back!” The helicopter circles and lands. Adilyn leaps out and into Emily’s arms. Emily again falls to her knees and presents the ring to Adilyn.

“Adilyn, I have been in love with you since the moment we met. Through all these weeks you have been the best part of my day every day. I can’t bear the thought of leaving without you. Will you marry me?”

“Yes! Yes! I love you too!” Emily slides the ring on Adilyn’s finger. Adilyn pulls her up and they kiss. The credits roll.

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