How I do it …

I received a comment on my previous post “How to overcome these obstacles”, well I won’t be able to give you the perfect answer but I can share my story and how my partner and I overcome them together!

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Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something. They’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place you go to give, and not a place you go to take.

I would like to share 10 points with you before we go to the topic of how to overcome those obstacles. It’s not just 10 points but also things I do believe in.

  • Successful relationships do take work.
  • You can only change yourself, not your partner.
  • All arguments stem from your own fear or pain.
  • Understanding that two individuals are different.
  • Honor each other in some way every day.
  • Anger is a waste of time.
  • Find a way to become and stay best friends.
  • Actions speak louder than words.
  • Give what you want to get.
  • Learn to agree to disagree.

Points above are the things I keep close when I enter a relationship, I’m not saying I live my life of 10 points but I do keep my head up and would like to receive what I give in a relationship, no relationship will ever be a happy one if one partner always gives more.

Now, lets take this step by step through all the points I mentioned in my previous post:

  • Mindset – Well, this one is quite easy. As soon as the other person start talking about dating you raise your opinion and tell them where you are standing with each other, no need to feel ashamed by being true to yourself and your feelings.
  • Things that may be right for you but wrong to them – To be honest, I’m still dealing with this, I won’t call it a problem because it isn’t. If something happens and either one of us don’t like it, we either talk about it right away and solve it or talk later when we are in a quite space and alone. Keeping it in will only lead to bigger fights later, solve it as soon as possible no matter how stupid the reason, it won’t be stupid to your parents, maybe they even feel the same.
  • Affection – We sorted this out from the beginning! I still get the comment that every girl is different and that is true, some are more traditional than other but you can still talk about this, everyone is human and some affection now and then isn’t wrong! In my relationship I don’t have that problem but if you do, I probably won’t have the perfect answer for you but talk about it, maybe they are still new to this game and don’t know how or what you are comfortable with; or if not comfortable at all then it’s your decision, if you really love someone you wouldn’t care about these small things, respect their ways and they will respect yours.
  • Jealousy – This may be our biggest problem. Getting jealous over the smallest things can lead to the biggest fights, believe me! This will never go away I believe, but you can talk about things that get you jealous and come to some sort of solution. I know my partner don’t like if i use the word “too” after things like “I miss you” , it took me quite a while to stop but her reason were good enough for me to stop using it.
  • Eating habits – Quite easy, order from different places and watch a movie at home, or simply take turns with the places you go to, come on; both Chinese and Western food are good! If you can’t eat with chop sticks, take a fork with you!
  • Language barrier – This one is quite hard. I was lucky enough to find someone who can speak English, and since she took the extra mile to learn a second or third language, I will walk that extra mile also to learn Chinese, I think that’s just fair.
  • Friend circle – I don’t find this one that hard since I’ve been in this situation a few times. If I don’t understand she will explain to me or her friends that can speak English will speak English to me, one of the reasons I’m also learning Chinese, it shows some type of respect if they would change an entire environment to make me feel comfortable. Then again, if I don’t understand, it doesn’t bother me; I trust her enough.
  • Family – This is one I can’t help you with, I’m still making peace with the fact that her family will never know, at the same time it doesn’t bother me that much because I know I’m blessed enough to even have her taking that step to go against their wishes and be with me.
  • The one I got from my girlfriend – Foreigners are more open to things I agree, but there’s nothing wrong with showing and exploring these things with your partner, if they aren’t comfortable with it after your tried, they will tell you and remember at least they tried so don’t be mad.
  • The ex topic – It’s fair, you don’t want to see your partners ex all over their social media page, so I deleted mine and respected her wishes. If you choose differently, good luck with that fight!

 

This is only from my point of view and I’m sure it won’t be the perfect solution for you or maybe you will even find a better way to deal with these obstacles. Everyone is different, everyone behave differently, if you truly know your partner you would know how to treat / overcome a situation.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
Bob Marley

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No problem is too big to solve. Feel free to contact our LaLa group anytime if you have your own story to tell of how you deal with these situations.

 

Foreigner – Local

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Ever travelled to another country and end up dating someone there? Different culture, different nationality, different ways; everything different that you are use too. 

My traveling days starting when I were still a young teenager by the age of 19, my first location were USA; I never really experienced the live of being in a relationship but more  exploring since I just ended a 2 year relationship. Getting use to the culture and people it weren’t that different from where I were from, except the cars driving on the opposite side and money currency. I had one year to play around, date, have fun and just focus on myself!

Things changed a bit when I entered Asia.

The culture, people, scenery, food, music, night life, restaurants everything were quite different and took me quite a while to get use to everything, except one thing and that will be chop sticks, I still cant quite get the hang of picking up noodles with two sticks.

Then the relationship part came along, now that throw me totally off the bus.

When you first get a glimpse of that one girl in the club or restaurant or somewhere you totally didn’t think or expect you will meet the one you will totally fall in love with the moment you start talking to them, well that do happen! 

In the beginning everything is sunshine and roses, trying so hard to get their attention, going on dates, spending more time together until you both start falling in love and taking it to the next step after a few months. To be honest, this first few days, weeks, months isn’t really “you” getting to know the other person but most just trying so hard and suddenly when they have the person, then the trying stops; well that’s just my opinion, and it shouldn’t be like that!

Well now the relationship part starts and you are getting to know your partner more and more, it can either continue to be sunshine and roses or a few fights will occur. Remember the differences? Here is a few I know of in my own experience:

  • Mindset about a relationship – in detail: Some meet you and hang out once and already think you are in a relationship.
  • Things that are right for you may be wrong for them or the other way around.
  • Affection – in detail: Some either give you all their attention or not at all, this can go both ways.
  • Jealousy – in detail: It needs to be balanced. ” You can’t get jealous about everything, that will lead to ongoing fights, this you need to talk out together, what you like and don’t like”
  • Eating habits – in detail: You might hate Asian food and she Western food, now? Would you ever be able to go on a date together?
  • Language barrier – in detail: Conflict may occur if you understood each other wrongly, another fight or even break up just because of a misunderstanding.
  • Friend circle – in detail: You might feel left behind being with your partners friend and the only language being used most of the time is their mother language, now how do you understand a thing?
  • Family – in detail: This can happen from both side, you will either never tell your family about your partner ” This will always leave you in the dark and hiding each other from their family – this may start hurting after a while”
  • This one a got from my girlfriend – in detail: Foreigners are more open to things, that will take your partner quite a while to get use to or never at all.
  • The ex topic – in detail: Some do believe if you enter a new relationship, you should take off all pictures and memories from social media that includes the ex – in some way this shows respect towards one another.

There is so much more I can add, and I’m sure you can too but again in my opinion, if you are really crazy, madly in love or either love your partner you will find a way around all the bullet points and meet each other in the middle, I were lucky enough to find my one who were willing to find me in the middle as well.

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I’m not saying it is the easiest thing ever to enter a relationship with someone totally opposite from you but you do get that one who will make it quite easy for you facing all these difficulties, well maybe you won’t even call them difficulties, but just another step you have to talk about and solve, it can be easy if there is communication in your relationship, that is the most important thing!

Ive been in my relationship for quite a while and we do face difficulties, not just big ones but small ones also, such as; misunderstanding each other, language barrier, jealousy, eating habits ….

But we do meet each other in the middle and solve the problem right there and then.

This is all from my point of few but I’m sure you have your own story to tell or even add a few to my story, or even disagree to a few things. All I’m 100% sure about is love has no barrier and no “culture difference or any of the points I mentioned” is too big if you truly do like someone, you will make it work!

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